It's a Done Deal

So I know tomorrow won't solve a damn thing.
Im hanging on to the epiphany that maybe something great will happen
Like God will hand deliver me a map and
From there I can see the stars, planets and the moons.
See what's new and which ones to wish on
So that someday my dream will come true.
Im not talking about another love story
The story love dooomed key
The sad all-I-need-love-to-find-my-way-in-life
My purpose
Im talking about that forever destiny drift
The one in which you find out the laws of nature and if you are god's one and only true gift
And in you I mean man the heavenly sinful thing
The take one look back and you turn into a grain of sand?
That goodness the stuff you feel down in your soul
Feeling lonely but never alone
You wiping your tears away, stating your life lessons on facebook and twitter so that someone can "like" or "repost"
But no one can repost your life
Your need of life
Nor your feed on life not even the dying sun
Bearing itself down to you so that you can see the light
In all it's glory and its last true fight

Heavy anticipation dims down at me cause I know

Tomorrow won't change a damned thing
Seeing you and all the guilt you bring
Weighing my heart down more than it ever has
For the guilt I already had for being born a love child.
No this ain't the "I hate my daddy" poem or the " I was raped but now Im better" storm
This shit right here... this shit right here??!!
Has no category, sits on its on territory
Drifting gently from sea to sea
Terrorizing me
Whimsically not giving a FU**
The life of misery unsolved because I know

Tomorrow won't chnage a damn thing.
I blink and I blink thinking something will change.
hours pass but my life still remains the same
Yelling yellow yearnings of despair for me to change for someone else to care
Because I left a long time ago
Shadowing centuries ago
Formed into dust because what I must be I cannot discuss
Evolutionary
Something scary for me to think outside the little blue box
Sly as a fox but never willing to hop off the soap box and discuss minor mistakes misread
Unlike the beloved dead
I bring forth failure, goal making and half fulfilled promises
I leave behind merry memories, happy beginnings and wondering endings.
I brand things only to be en-lighted that nothing belongs to me only the maker above.
Then my eyes open really wide
The crust and disgust, mucus and deliverance and I focus
and spit.
I know

Tomorrow won't change a damn thing
If it didn't change today when I had all the time in the world
But instead wanted to disguise myself like a small boy or girl
I went to eat all the ice-cream in the world but at the thought pulled to the side and hurled.
Went to climb the highest mountain but instead returned the hiking boots
Insecurities will never deliver me and procrastination makes me the person I strive not to me.
Then I stop and think and ACTUALLY execute the next move...solved?


MATCH

nik_gold

me nowadays. howard much?

Big Girl

Wanting a car and job by the time i graduate.
Wanting a bf to ALWAYS call hubby know everything about and say baby
Be able to shop whenever do whats necessary to make me and the ones directly around me happy with no consequences.

Baby.
Baby??
I used to despise that word yupp i despise it once again.

Mommy used to tell me only the devil needs to get that close.. or something like that
1. When is it ever time to quote my mom.
2. When is it safe to say I hate being ignorant and though knowing everything in the world would ultimately kill me I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
3. I effin hate surprises like dead ass I HATE THEM.
4 Im probably not going to keep in touch with these folks in school, well after tonight idk who I will keep in touch with .. probably the principal.. he is always full of quotes.
5 Im about to be real sarcastic and to myself again.. God I thought I passed that stage in life ... i guess freakin not.
6. Im about to do WHATEVER i want, everyone else does without caring if it hurts others.
7. just LISTEN to your mom whoever has your best interest at heart but then again you dont really know your in a ditch until you look up.


I need God, yeah like the more I search for him the cloudier the road gets, the road to him gets more and more slippery by the second. There is always an excuse for failing but success has no excuses.

No more playing with this big girl stuff if you dont know what it is RUN!!

lol little scaredy cat.



-peace_gold

Give it up: My Fasting Virginity

I dont know how exactly to get through this.
I know that when I'm done with this i'll read my bible.
I know that I'm doing this until the 18th for sure.
I know that I may be taking this too seriously but if I dont I'll slip up and let you down... =P
Seriously though I have to do this I believe the average 17 yr old has about 75 percent self-control. I on the other hand have about 35. Why? Quite simply because I'm used to getting what I want. No not that I'm spoiled rotten but the things I want arent that out of reach just so I wont hear a no...
But anyways the sun is out. Half the reason most words are white and in church the first sunday we wear white. =)Purified.

We were out of school for this, slush, water, and the sun. Im not complaining though.








New Shoes


Ill be back with updates, this is just the beginning!
live_GOLD

You never knew.

so i definetly hesitated writing this for some odd reason....

But here it goes.

My feelings and emotions are wrapped in this yarn ball write now... Maybe not as complicated because there are only a few Valid feelings.

Dumb
Sad
Anxious
Angry


lol .. Yeah so the first one [Dumb] I don't so much feel Dumb but ignorant. I want to learn so much in so little time [God, My career, relationships, people in general] and have no idea where to start... Reading the bible has only made me thirstier for the knowledge and wisdom i have yet to possess.

SAD- Not so much as leaving New York because it was time to go and like i said before i do NOT want to be greedy with what I want. Its more or less what... I left there.
Open strings, Unfinished ideas, Unplanned plans, Undefined relationships... Ill get over it. lol I have before, like starting the cycle over again EXACTLY a year from this week... i believe.
My mother actually admitted that she could have waited 2 years to make the big move which would have helped me out a lot... But thats just being selffish. I know she needed a change.. So me being who i am to her.. i guess i needed one too.

ANXIETY

[just a note.. im getting angry because im hearing the pussy.. cat and it odeeeeeeeeed stratched the heck out of my arms and hand this morning....Should i skin it or box it China Panda?]

But um anxiety, mainly because I KNOW i can make a change and already started with little projects around the house, such as making little jackets and pants for myself and enlarging the collage for my newly painted purple room. Hopefully also becoming a PR for this DJ i met [out of all places] a gas station. lol But its like...ugh you have to live in Georgia to understand so in case your not lets move on... Anxious for school to start in a couple weeks. Find out who my friends are, am i going to fall into the same pattern [please no]. HAVE TO JOIN THE YEARBOOK COMMITTEE and try out for dance ensemble again ANDDDD become tennis captain.. ANDDD maintain a 4.0 ANDDD get/maintain a job, volunteer in my career choice and scrutinize all the scholarships available for me. "Dont forget to stay in touch, Nikki" smh.... Is my friend...... going to get me this phone... and if he is will i be the same person i was when i had the sidekick last. [Lord i REALLY hope not] but just because it is the phone it is... It would be mighty convenient. Lastly from my experiences at daddy's house..am i going to bring some of those umm extracurricular activities back home with me. Hopefully with my praying and such it will be a one time kinda thing.

so
moving on.,

ANGRY- o boy am i angry. lol The last time [don't flinch] being honest i hit my mom with a tennis ball from across the tennis court.. I cant describe it in words. No way am i near crying but i would lock myself in a room and break a nail.. which yay great i did today... SOooOo off to church I go in a couple of hours to pray about the same things that I prayed about when i was 13. lol WOW. really fell of track here, havent i?

On another note. today we got new windows. Your eyes cannot feast on such a feast with grainy views. soooo i love my room with its windows that greet me with a reflection of what i put into view. =]


Plans;
Pray
Dance until my feet give out [literally]
Yoga it for a few...
Block this boy OMFreakinnnngGosh. [btw, the pics u get are the ONLY ones on myspace. I AM NOT LOLA BUNNY, neither do i take pix like her...nemore ever]
Mellow it out with thee Pod.
Snore
Church
Ignore this room until Mon NIGHT, [think i can make it????.... well efff u!.. lol nah implayin]

so im sleepy now.. and def going off topic..
But if your reading this SAVED or NOT. SOMEone loves you and he is MIGHTY.
Also like Tupac, Keep your head up.

0=]