Poem X Emotions and What Not

A little something I wrote when I was calling sleeps name and it wasn't calling me...

Enjoy!

Pictures of the Day

Chill Wednesday

I'm no savage
But I'm a beast at this game called life.
At least I thought I was
Until the tears streamed down and I mumbled,
"Where did I go wrong?"
Blasting, "Blame Game" like its the story of my life.
Replaying false events running ratchet in my brain
People name me to deteriorate my value
But my morals and goals stay the same
I was blinded with fear and misguided humbleness
Troubled, felt I worked better by myself
Someone help.
Peering around the corner I spy a spy
With one evil eye and one vault closed and under construction
Picking at every flaw and x raying my abilities for what they really are
Too deep?
Too mind controlling and real?
I'm sorry
I'll Pg13 it
I'm way past literate
But maybe I'm reading between the lines like it never should have been read
Miscalculating the laser beam I would be calculated with, 
I went over
I did too much
Don't mind me
I'll self correct
Sometime soon.
Until then let me blast my music and ignore my tears, burning holes in my potential
Denying my dream from an ever current existence,


#thatisall

So,



I always start with so, but so says so much.


This week hasn't gone as planned at all.


Im actually in a computer lab room on Georgia State campus the day before my birthday.


Not that I'm essentially hating my planning but I knew what I was working with when I got here.


Tight money, less friends (some are on Spring Break) and my mom who always craves my attention.

Ive been having an epic time on budget though, surprisingly when people think money is the only way to have fun. The only thing Im missing is a shopping spree. Not to sad though because.... well let's just say the next 24 hours I will be blessed.

I digress


Im actually glad im at state though.


Envisioning myself walking these streets in a couple of months taking classes


only empowers me to be better on top of my grades.


My grades are actually good however, it seems my mom's dominant genes of being a worry freak help


a massive amount when talking about grades.


From emailing to going the extra mile on assignments.


All I have to worry about are my tardies, the few absenses and Music class.


Out of all classes, music class. -_-


Look at my face!


But aside for that, things are looking up, I'm seeing brighter days and guess what!?


Im turning mofo 19!!!


That's a big number for me.


It's no 21 or sweet 16 but it's a milestone for me.! I remember when my sister was 19


and I looked up to her like she ruled the world.


To be realistic, I need to be doing much more with my 19 years.


At 20 I see myself finally starting my longly awaited fashion line including, jewelry and all the other stuff I make,


A job, a condo downtown and a withstanding 4.0


Give me a year though.


Oh yeah and active, aside for my puppy (Miley maybe?)


Taking on yoga or my first love dance which I've been on strike my sophomore year here at Claflin.






Just a side note,


I can't go ANYWHERE without seeing someone I know.


I don't mind, just know I will be feeling myself tomorrow night and forever more.


Coming into oneself doesnt seem so bad anymore.


When you know what type of butterfly youre developing into.

>LOL<

Dear Leaf, 

I Love you

There!

I said it.

Beauty is Rare when found upon rare Finds;;

So the last couple of days have went by without dates.

Confused beyond measure and saddened with no reason.

I took the time to write some random words on a piece of paper to keep me sane.

The following sums itself up:

Love

Life

Live

Self Worth

Selfish

Despair

Tired

Withdrawn

Energy

Family

Friends

$$$

Time

Effort

Value

Quality

Never ending

Sex

Claflin

Book

Knowledge

Power

Peasant

Queen

Me

I told myself to come down;; prayed and meditated since I had a major headache and couldn’t stand to be in front of my cpu. Another symptom of the past couple of days has been this annoying as* headache that doesn’t let me listen to my music as loud as I would like.

Mom sums it up to stress and tries to stuff herbal and lemon tea down my throat every quarter of a day.

I’ve just learned what the word chill means and the use of it.

“You can’t worry about the world and the changes to come;; they are not thinking about you.”

Live_gold

pic of the day!

I solemnly promise..OoOps!

Coo Coo for Coa Coa

Life is crazy its all a bunch of random collisions. =X


Random pic



live_gold

Fast March Madness

The month of my 17th birthday has been a real roller coaster in the first couple of hours.

Turning 17 I will be drama free and relaxed but why wait I'm in a transition now for what i have yet to figure out but it involves being 100% honest with everyone no matter how raw.
Maybe rawness for mother deareast but everyone else can get.

Mommy asked, well its not her first time asking but she asked today for the 9589 billionth time why in every relationship I get in the person confesses his love for me. Not true in the summer case but in general its usually positive news on my side. She convinced herself I was my father's child and people are just naturally attracted to me and a part of me may believe it but I looked around for a more solid answer...
Then I stumbled across this...




"Marriage Magnet Reveals Her Basically Unhelpful Secret
Dating & LoveOdd NewsFeb 20th 2009
By Emerald Catron

Hey lonely hearts, looking for love in all the wrong places? One woman has been proposed to NINE freaking times, and she's finally figured out what the secret is.

British author Adele Parks, now 40, had already been proposed to seven times by the time she was 23, starting with a 17-year-old boyfriend at a roadside cafe. Her trick was easy enough -- she just wasn't herself.

It turns out that by acting however the guy you're with wants you to, and presenting yourself as something you're not, is a great way to get proposals!

Winning Over Mr. Wrong
Of course, like Adele, you probably wouldn't want to accept those misguided marriage offers, so maybe they shouldn't really count.

Writes Parks, "My fault was that I gave each boyfriend the part of me I knew they'd find palatable, but never the whole package. I should have had the confidence to present myself wholly, truthfully, faults and all. Instead, I was living like a trainee Stepford Wife.""




No I have never been proposed too not even once. But part of this ladies statement is true for me. EITHER I have a very adaptive personality which can be very true because Im also 100% comfortable with who I am in relationships. Well 90% in these last few.

OR

Im just like her, I self conciously pick a part of me that they are prone to and mold myself around it for the next several months.

This could be the answer to why I always change every couple of months (apperance small stuff) Or it could be that Im still just changing and growing. Like my eco teacher Mr. Jeffrey says there are no black and white areas just grey ones.




IMPORTANT
Im also fasting.
This includes
myspace
facebook
candy
soda junk
and anything else I feel is unworthy.

It funny because I used to look at people who fasted and was like wah?? I guess i JUST NEVER took it as serious as I should have. Focusing on the wrong things. Like my sister said this morning which really calmed me down, take 10 secinds regroup and refocus.
Im reading a random scripture from my bible every morning and writing in my new flower book and doing these online blogs on how Im doing.
I think my mom would be proud of my ambitions but I plan to show here through actions instead of talk.



Movingonnnnnn.

range 2006

OR
range 2003


I know there is a crazy difference in price as in year but Georgia is known for selling cars to any Dick, Sue, Mary or Harry.
My plan is to get a good job (one I can continue through college)
and small loan along with the money daddy should have paid me all these years and maybe even a little of my bond money. I dont want to be in too much debt but I already will because of college.


COLLEGE....

well this is a totally different story. Every weekend and spare time i have goes to college applications, scholarships, fafsa SOMETHING to do with my future and Im not mad at it my future looks bright but can they make applications a little easier. Like colleges on the same level once you send one application out to one it goes to the rest?? And scholarships that are a given with the school or associate themselves with the school email you. There is so much to do!! Im not even finished at least one out of two schools still NEED something from me. Im really just wanting a acceptance letter and a pedi-mani for my bday. I believe I deserve it.

I have no idea birthdays have really never been a real big thing for me but every bday I get my hopes up that something BIG and wonderful will happen ... and well. It hasnt. Though Henry's jesters were nice they dont count when I have no affection back.
The couple I love the most at Stephenson my bomb high school has to be beast Cassandra and Rob. Sandra and I had class together and she asked me almost everyday where my clothes came from. Yes, that can really make you love someone why not? When they think like you? Anywho their affection is sweet, civil and modest yet its clear they are special to each other, already with kodaks and just seem to click easily.
Yes this is Nicole rambling having no idea yet again where she is going with this...
=X

I shall be a little prayer warrior these next few days, but I can't do it alone. Pray for me.
Too finish it off here are some pics of the fake Georgia snow storm we experienced today...






delicious curry and rush hour movie! yum!


live_gold

Lucky Valentine

October so far.. has been a marvelous month.
Sure the work I have been drowning in only seems to multiply but career wise and friend wise...


WOW

can you have a sisters back or what?
REGRET NOTHING

oh yeah and I have boyfriend(s) now, =)

NO ONE can stop me hahahaha TAKING over the world!
boy golly gee(v.p debate<<<, did you watch)
I miss that show (pinky and the brain)

well im off for now.
Going to watch Apocalyto again

3 things I wish could change
mom pay the heat bill so I can take warm showers again
mom pay the phone bill so the phone wont cut off in the middle of my convo
I didnt have something annoying lodged in my eye.

This week is spirit week at school or homecoming,,,, whatever the case may be expect pictures and lots
MONDAY>> celebrity day_ me myself and i. never went to rehab

Ps. Im out
God Bless =)

Wonderless Temptress

Sooo' im just here blessing my page

Galatians 2:12

Everything is going swell.
This week is college scholarship week =)
just trying to be a smart passionate youngster with potential.

I didnt order anything today =)

I am opening my social pattern .... not really caring (more*) who i hang out with (young&old, big or small*) as long as theyre goal and money oriented and faithful christians who dont bore me to death. Not too hard right?
Or you no what just not focusing on friends at all cause they could get in the way of what i am striving for (education and extracurricular activities and a meaningful relationship with GOD.*) and plus i have enough, so if you want to be one you really have to put yourself out there...
cause i am trying to catapult my career.
but i have to stand up for myself with my friend borrowing my clothes
cause quite frankly its annoying and i don't want to borrow her's =/

Cheetah
Cardigans
Skinny belts
and ankle boots are in

so jump on the bandwagon (don't*) smh
and mix up your style with your personality (do)

Have a great day/night
My music play list is slowly being taken over my wayne

Waiting for the video...
I listened to my Damien Marley album which i haven't in the longest.
Please check out his last album **
does wonders for the soul


Well i have school
So be blessed not stressed

nik_gold. =)

pink fridays.

Yea, well its kinda funny cause i got my nails done that day and right after i took this pic i broke my nail coming down the stairs. lol
Well today was weird theres this thing i have when theres like blank spaces in my convos or even texts ill just type "lol" so beware. lol.... smh! its a freakin disease.
Today was so crazy like i really odee violated on this boy that supposedly likes me. lol and after i made him double over in agony.... he still walked me to class. which is weird cause if i was him i wuda puunched me in the boobs or something. i mean reflexes man. But thank god for boys who dont hit back. id be fighting everyday.

I was on the phone talking about the same situation which is the exact reason why i made a lovely pause when answering. lol (lovely?)
I mean if boys think they are soO much stronger than girls then they shudnt hit them. and if girls think they can beat a boy up (or noe this for A FACT,, like mwah) then more power to ya... right?
Im here jammin to shiny toy guns and watchin "john Q" and debating if i should go to the party. lol
If like everyone had powers that were equal in strength then the idea of me beating someone up wudnt b so violent right?
But face it ima lover notta fighter. ive never been ina fight in my life.
i could flirt to save my life and all of my cats, lol

But on a reality not maybe im not as hot as i think i am........
smh
i knowww wheres the self confidence etc.
but like all my guy friends or half of them,, and mayb the other half just wanna tell me,
they think my friend particulary*..(whoa) Beastie, party buddy, best friend atl edition is hot.
to make it short, shes my height, 5'6
lightskinned....
thick bottom (whats the other way to say it? lol)
and everything is pretty much like me... soO ummmm.
lol
like im always praising people like i love when people are self assured of themselves like even if i could pick out a few obvious flaws myself. so in response,, like what would i think of my confidence?
or myself for that matter?
i def cant change anything,,all the ambi (i heard rihanna used it odee when younger) and collard greens cant change who i am and will always be..soo y cant i be happy with my apperaance like eveyrone else is??
Ughh probably this dufus that should not be named cause hes a nin-cum-poop and retard and immature brat but def needs to lay off with the dark jokes. cause hes deeeefffffffff crispy i mean midnite.. like black coffee bean with NO cream.. just BLACK. and i see nothing wrong with this cause his skin complexion and defintion and all that shyt is tuff. cud you say whipped.??
and i really dont wanna pop his bubble cause he def wrote me a letter the other day... so y the nonsense?
is it enough i could be called pretty, sexy, different and not feeel it
then be called black and feel all of it??
like damn...... (rsmh!)
is BLACK REALLY ALL THAT BAD?
i really meant i wish black was royalty and light wasnt in my last post. its time for a change.. we gotta realize white just isnt right.
or mayb i just need to ... realizee.