Feelings.Smeelings.

My feelings get dismayed for my weakness 
But in fact Im not a God to get weakened.
Im like you but not in a way
That makes an "us" ideally
I smile daily realistically because there cannot be that much stress in the world
To turn my frown in a plaster of daily suspense

My feelings tell me to breathe easy
Everyday is another opportunity
But in reality another task is at hand and if one is not completed they all pile up
A sticky sand dune left in the sun's wrath
My we are so close to the beginning I often wonder, when will it be over?
And my elbows and shoulders are growing calluses and my face is casting a stone and Im dismayed

My feelings tell me to run and hide
To try and protect the feeling I have left
One half of my body is already Numb
Yet I press on ready and willing to experience the world head on
Good and Bad
Yet we skim through the light and delightful and make songs about the sad and depressing

My feelings turn yellow at the sight of flaws
Dilemmas peaking the height of my day
Dimming the weather to my air
Spreading the last of my tenderness and I feel nothing.
Compelled and withdrawn from here and there
Then and now.
My days melt together and my feelings are gone.
My feelings get dismayed for my weakness
live_gold

Pageant_gold 2010*

 Though I didn't take home the crown I learned a lot.
Not only that having your own confidence can win a crowd over but smiling through it all can keep you on top..
I made 9 new sisters and had some of the most draining practices, more then dance, modeling and tennis put together. You had to consistently pour out an aura of elegance, grace, positivity, self assurance and humbleness (which I must add is not an easy fleet!!!)


Knowing that the first pageant I did was a total floop, money hole and phony scheme, this pageant boosted my confidence and reassured me that being multitalented, intelligent and true  Goddess of Nile is NEVER a bad thing ;-]


Pushing through all the barriers and stereotypes Im proud that I competed in a pageant my freshman year now they cant say they weren't ready for me sophomore year!!!
This is only the BEGINNING =]

live_gold

Cause college is no [Joke]

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the One who calls you. A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough. Galatians 5:7-9

Prayer: Lord, I long to stay on the right path and run the race faithfully, but You know how easily I can get off course. Give me the eyes to see the "yeast." Help me have the strength to keep my eyes on You and follow You step by step. In Jesus' Name, Amen!


live_gold

It's a Done Deal

So I know tomorrow won't solve a damn thing.
Im hanging on to the epiphany that maybe something great will happen
Like God will hand deliver me a map and
From there I can see the stars, planets and the moons.
See what's new and which ones to wish on
So that someday my dream will come true.
Im not talking about another love story
The story love dooomed key
The sad all-I-need-love-to-find-my-way-in-life
My purpose
Im talking about that forever destiny drift
The one in which you find out the laws of nature and if you are god's one and only true gift
And in you I mean man the heavenly sinful thing
The take one look back and you turn into a grain of sand?
That goodness the stuff you feel down in your soul
Feeling lonely but never alone
You wiping your tears away, stating your life lessons on facebook and twitter so that someone can "like" or "repost"
But no one can repost your life
Your need of life
Nor your feed on life not even the dying sun
Bearing itself down to you so that you can see the light
In all it's glory and its last true fight

Heavy anticipation dims down at me cause I know

Tomorrow won't change a damned thing
Seeing you and all the guilt you bring
Weighing my heart down more than it ever has
For the guilt I already had for being born a love child.
No this ain't the "I hate my daddy" poem or the " I was raped but now Im better" storm
This shit right here... this shit right here??!!
Has no category, sits on its on territory
Drifting gently from sea to sea
Terrorizing me
Whimsically not giving a FU**
The life of misery unsolved because I know

Tomorrow won't chnage a damn thing.
I blink and I blink thinking something will change.
hours pass but my life still remains the same
Yelling yellow yearnings of despair for me to change for someone else to care
Because I left a long time ago
Shadowing centuries ago
Formed into dust because what I must be I cannot discuss
Evolutionary
Something scary for me to think outside the little blue box
Sly as a fox but never willing to hop off the soap box and discuss minor mistakes misread
Unlike the beloved dead
I bring forth failure, goal making and half fulfilled promises
I leave behind merry memories, happy beginnings and wondering endings.
I brand things only to be en-lighted that nothing belongs to me only the maker above.
Then my eyes open really wide
The crust and disgust, mucus and deliverance and I focus
and spit.
I know

Tomorrow won't change a damn thing
If it didn't change today when I had all the time in the world
But instead wanted to disguise myself like a small boy or girl
I went to eat all the ice-cream in the world but at the thought pulled to the side and hurled.
Went to climb the highest mountain but instead returned the hiking boots
Insecurities will never deliver me and procrastination makes me the person I strive not to me.
Then I stop and think and ACTUALLY execute the next move...solved?


MATCH

S P I T F I R E

My energy drinks mimic me, I stay up hard at night
Thoughts running in and out but like my paranoid mind never growing tired
and my feelings grow calluses near the edges but the nicest comment could do fatal damage
And I watch time fly by without my carpet to fly along side it
My tears cried out so now I just sob with the restless
Mind tossing around, never settling so it could cover in the ratchet sheet of my scapegoat
Wondering slut of a mind passion and fruitful delay, I feel absorbed by my paranoid state of mind
I know it's dangerous acting without thinking but its freeing
My thighs burn with the incense of another winner
True, genuine and honest
even if the truth slaps me repeatedly in the face
Heart racing destiny pulling my eyes shut on the fact that this is it
Razor sharp ink strewn across my bloodied worries
The it withstanding a second round
anticipated yet i surrender too stuck on what other people would do I miss it
Ball between my legs I tumble and fall
Syllables fly out of my mouth but the anger does not tumble out after it
Im stuck with dirt intwined with my hair and emotions
Lost in the whirlwind of maturity and reconstructed by the mirror image of perfection.
Slowly combing out the dusty failures of mediocrity and brushing back the flaws of defective genes
I open my heart and grab a spare ball-point pen
Ready to think less and spit more fire.

Why run?

I don't know why time is running from me.
I thought I spent it well.
Checking up on it.
Making it feel loved by filling my time with activities..

Or maybe that's where I went wrong.
Maybe time wanted me to stand still and see time passing slowly.

Valuing it for what it was not the potential it could be.
Dangerously lingering on the idea of full schedules and pent up energy to go out and exert on the helpless world.

Time is mad at me.
I don't know exactly why but I wish it would stop.
Hug me around my waist instead of slap me in my face,
Show me affection in front of my friends instead of becoming the jealous significant other,
I wish time understood I didn't want to stand around..

But I guess age is all about patience and wisedom...
All about time...

Wonder Me: truth lies beneath

So I trust no guy or your just ruthless, moody and insensitive or just overly way TOOOO sensitive.

Um I despise my professor Dr. Spaulding, hope she passes me though..

Camera lost after a day of taking pictures...

Phones off..

Haven't even checked my account balance because I know its crazy and negative and afraid the cops will come for my card. No More Hello KittY!!

I got a new keyboard though!! lol

There are other negative stuff but I have no time to name everything horrible taking place in my teenage life.
However I am rather happy, in a very free and creative aspect of my Pisces world. Very intuitive about the people and events around me. Able to clear my mind and complete the task at hand. Also stems from the fact that I don't have a phone.

Cant wait until Thanksgiving, but honestly its more of a vibe, aura and energy re-filler, food, church and downtown/fashion/night life. Throw some friends, walking my dog probably stone crest mall, getting my hair done and that's basically Thanksgiving. I miss my mommy!



UNTITLED



Ice cold throne
Completed and adorned with passionate weapons of pink colored roses
Sweat in my bones
Reap the instances of the unknown
Mommy always said be careful what you ask for
Independence and closed eyes don't go hand in hand
Victory nails my strength to the ground and cements my only progressive thoughts
Love phrases tantalize my mind with no examples
Red onioned sensation dances through my thoughts
My hands fasten as I realize my belt isn't secured on this ride.
Line skipped
Seat beneath me
Air above and around me
I'm flying mommy can't you see??!!
The stars are down now grass and ride leave above me
Spinning red death chokes my oxygen
But my mind is finally free
Triggered pointed chains break from lack of air and noise
I can read in colors now see with words taste through sounds
The world doesn't revolve around me
I revolve around the world
Vision Seeker
Independence reaper
The victorious one, crown holder, winner of wants
Only my soul can ride deeper

Scrumptious I promise...

So Chris Brown released his new video yay? Right?
I liked it and realized too many people on one song is cool but what's going to happen on the remix?? Just a thought =)



Do we really need Chris Brown walking buck at us through a screen?
=X But nice video lightskinned Mr...





So I thought this was sooooo cute!
A user on Youtube made a video for Usher's new song, "Paper's" because they liked it so much =)
Enjoy




nik_gold promises not to lie... she is listening to this super duper hyped up
"No Ceilings" dilemna by Lil Wayne...
*** out of ***** so far
the lyrics are catching me but I'm not won over yet!
I'd still rather listen to gangsta love on repeat =)





*WinterFashion*
cause you know... it's getting cold outside!

Here are some links to assist you in this matter!
(I'm still trying to find the perfect pair of knee boots with studs and colored tote bag preferably a beautiful blue or scarlet red)


http://fashionbombdaily.com/2009/10/27/the-fashion-bomb-fall-winter-checklist-warm-coats/




http://www.forever21.com/category.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=footwr&Page=1


UrbanOutfitters
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/category.jsp?popId=WOMENS&navAction=poppushpush&isSortBy=true&navCount=21&pushId=WOMENS_APPAREL&id=W_APP_CARDIGANS



Happy Retail Shopping and Holiday Spirit to ya!!!
live_gold. for me.. plz?

Adoring Life brings me..

lemons and I just so happen to come up with Pink Lemonade in martini glasses.
I don't know people!! just look at the pics which by the way... though pictures usually say a thousand little words don't seem to sum up the past couple of weeks.
twitter might help though twitter.com/nik_gold

*I went to ATL on citations ended up siteseeing with Yung Jeezy.
**Had my first drama ever of college (so h.s) and ended up making more and more friends
***Got two Ds my first semester in college... well Im working on that one... (=X)











Stay warm
&
live_gold

Speaking of

Just an intro... I have had a rollercoaster of a week starting with last Tuesday, I almost felt guilty for being so happy and positive. Now I wish for that feeling back, I proritized and went through my day easily. Now I have to focus more on God, college and my family and not the other oblivious aspects of my life. I believe God takes us through stages in life to reach goals and therefore elevating us as a person. Since college started I'm on a new trail and noone can lead me off.


speaking of diamonds and class and college and growth.
I live like I see fit,
every minute
bit by bit
though some may be humamnized errors to look at oneself miniscule by miniscule
I see nothing wrong since im a young lady..
still in school
I choose now to look at myself as a whole, the world a whole by many
years
decades
eras
memorizing the great ones by the size of their soul
Mistakes come and go leaving misheveled footprints like dirty snow but only wet rimmed eyes can see past the flakes of fake.
Only fake can see fake
so no not I.
The whole that I am can only see real, whole and wonderful things.
The kind of things that pleasant ones bring.
To whom or what I'm speaking to I have no idea.
I speak of diamonds, class, college and growth, that I am, that I see and what I assume makes me
whole.

an O C T O B E R lift

I have had my ups and downs
Ins and outs
October leaves I have been turned over and over
and blown every which way
For when I was trully up I looked down instead of opening my arms
I believe God wants me to be in a happy place.
As I sit here listening to the oldie "This will be"
I can't find one thing that is wrong with my life
The cool sunset warming my beating melody
The gentle thrash of the wind threatening to grow with each passing second
Just challenges to
over come
Now every mountain prepares me for the next one
Every pissed off Black lady or manipulative white dude
Prepares me for the real sharks of the world

I learned my skin needed to be thicker yesterday...
I know it will be hard, hopefully not to the point where I cry but Im ready
Before the glow of my heart yeilds thin to societies call I stand on my own
The last tree to overturn leaves
Bark still ripe with liquid air and leaves still filled with plunder, experience and serenity.

Not the insensitive Black woman but a courageous ball of fire that knows where she stands.
Me
Growing
Thinking
Acknowledging and
Reaping the repercussions of my actions
Taking each day for its own

nik_gold

Even ice pricked pages turn...

Usually when my friend tells me news it must be NEWS, he usually doesn't tell me useless randomness unless were in that kind of moment.

Not today ugh! He told me he is currently talking to someone...Take back the ugh, so my feelings aren't entirely put out there. Im absolutely happy, that he's happy. While texting my response back to him however, a pit grew in my stomach and I soooo wasn't feeling the text anymore. I hate those love stories (trust me not hinting at anything like that) but when they blow something off as if it doesn't hurt them and the person goes on with their life. Only if they would have told them how much they meant to them and just let them in on a portion of their feelings things would have worked out differently.

Not saying that anyone would change and I'm not currently or at all for that matter become the love of his life but feelings this way.. Is that a true friend to be sort of unrealistically happy yet cautioned and very surpised so that what I really want to say is sort of frosted over? If that made ANY sense I hope you know where I'm coming from now. I'm a REALIST, I stay positive throughout the day but prepare myself for the worst which so far has never happened. This incident hit close to home and I'm wondering.. why is my throat dry? I feel like I have to swallow a tennis ball deep in my chest and my eyes are watering and burning like cutting onions. I'm not going to cry.... oh! There you go.. just had to blink. I forget sometimes.. JOKE! Well since that situation won't resolve itself I can only depend on life's time, practice and effort and realize how many people in the world I haven't met yet that are compatible, will hurt me and ultimately make me stronger. Especially since again in two years I plan on attending Howard and then graduate school (which preferably is not a HBCU) Wait!!! Before you judge. lol I just need diversity I liked that about VOX (the teen newspaper I wrote for), I LOVE that about the world and it is my main reason for begging my mom to let me travel soon in the future (yay!) I would have went to two HBCUs by the time I graduate Howard. geeeez! What a way to climb to the top!


Part II

My Blatant Addiction
I've been reading Twilight.. Lets say since this year BEFORE the movie came out before I knew I was going to see it, but certainly not before they started producing it.... hmmm I wonder when exactly. Well anyways, I'm on the fourth book.
I don't want to force you to read the book but if you do like a book that is page-turning, bonds you to the book, the characters and the world they live in so much so that you wish the book was reality even with all the problems then this is the book for you.

If you want a book that IS better, dear I say than ALL Harry Potter Books then yes Twilight is for you. Trust, I was on team Harry before I actually read the book because The Harry Potter series was good as well and they satisfied me with only seven books (like thats not a lot!!! Hundreds if not thousands of pgs per book). They're like fairy tale bibles in a way. The two books together both authors are females, not trying to empower my sex in anyway but YES! I love it, how we as women can simplify life into pages to be easily understood by any hands it passes through. For me and my sister and whoever else read like us to not put the book down until finished, halfway through or a really good dent in the 800+ pages of the book. To not even know time was passing in human life but only in the book however fast or slow time seems to pass in the pages.

To captivate me to the point where when I finished book three of Twilight which ended on a note I didn't like to be in a mini depressed state until I bought and started reading the fourth and final book. To the point where I read the third book of Harry Potter OVER to understand the fourth one. To the point where I bribed my sister into telling me key points no matter how it fastforwarded the story because my throat was stuck, heart beating right out of my chest and my emotions taking over like a bad wave to a broken boat.

Though I wasn't the type to get read books when I was little in bed, I wouldn't mind reading books to my children (ew way to far) but for real, I am determined to write a book as addictive, heart pounding and tenaciously breath-taking as the ones I have come across in my lifetime. I still remember such books as Bad Monkey by Matt Ruff, Catalyst by Laurie Halse Anderson and even Sex, Murder and a Double Latte by Kyra Davis which my mom undecided about because of the title.

It's rather funny when I could have went in the direction of Jerome Dickey and onlyyyy Black Expression Books, I instead ventured off into the book section that was way too big for me. No pictures here or pages torn out and no more food and other questionable mysterious imprints on these pages! Just all book! I do sort of miss library books though, St. Albans Library, Queens Library the one in Elmont off Merrick Blvd, the smell of used books!!!! Aw Queens!
But back on subject. =) Because I choose the route of abnormal books or just books people wouldn't always pick up, I got the book that a year later became best selling book of the year, the gold retriever that wasn't all the way out the box yet, the treasures in the midst of trash and I was determined to be as intriguing as the minds who developed those books. ___________________ by Nicole Ayilola
With by bio on the slip of my harder cover book adorned by awards and appraisal by the New York Times and everyone else!

I will one day...


live__gold

SepSeptemberber

I don't walk alone on campus much. That'll change, I realized Im in college and I'd rather have people think I'm older than younger. I'm in college and wanted to take pix of my many outfits but realized I have nooooo time, NO time. I'm in college and realized I'm on my own. Noone will look out for me, even though the school is small noone is going to say, "Hey where is Nicole?"

I can stop being so damn friendly to people, Orientation week is over. My morning texts will still vibrate through people's phone in the morning just for the fact that it centers me too. Im gonna stop hanging out with the same people, they're cool and be my sisters for the rest of the year because theyre so damn cool but I got to open my circle more or I'll die, yes even to boys. Im srry but doing this radio thing I need to make way more male friends then the ones I think are gay but can't completely dress so I'm utterly confused on their sexually preference...

On the topic on sexes...

Even though I may think people can see through my facade of being very self concious I'll have to get over that because time is money and I've wasted the past 3 weeks being Nicole instead of Nik_gold. Nik_gold is going to conquer this campus. Small little Claflina and I thought I could make it to Howard, thank the Lord Jesus I differed that acceptance. Im about to hulu Wendy Williams and Chelsea Handler, take a double dosage of my happy pills wish I had some to chase it down ( I kid) maybe not but who cares! I do. I haven't been to a party since I've been here. Everyone else has had an outlet and Im preparing byself to stay in SC for labor day... UGH! But maybe not.. there are some concerts going on, and you all know Id rather over dress then under.

Im also going to be more confident, that includes the traveling on my own because I guess people are scared, defensive of some people I walk with, w.e just expand my friend circle or whatever, but Ill be strong if their 3 wk friendship falls through. Example A: I met this tour guide in May when I initionally came and dont get the thought in your mind he is worth a blog he is just an example at how loose my networking skills are I cant be nice Nikki all the time I gotta sink my teeth into some people and let them know... Cause aparently they don't be knowing. (ew) lol

Forreal thoe!

Now tomorrow I got to get my ish in order I cant be walking around campus like Madonna without a head or Angela Jolie without a cause!!!

First Step: Deep, hot soothing shower... in the community shower providing by Claflin of course. =)


Live_gold

Micros

Im dying out here!

So I watching Paris' show Its Paris, Not France and I was actually going to cry during this show because my mom is leaning towards Claflin U because they gave me another scholarship ... (why can't she work that magic over at Howard???)

Well anyways I was scared of losin gmy friends but then was like (wah??) friends would mind if they havent talked to you in a couple weeks or if you deleted your myspace, facebook and only twittered once a week.

I finally got inkie winkie on the phone and felt much better. Im blessed. People can be so happy when they have nothing (well not so much have nothing to lose) but more of a have nothing left type situation.

Relating back to Paris.. she was talking about the sex tape and how it affected her greatly because she wasnt 19 like they thought she was.. in fact she was around 16ish...


wtf????
and how she cried calling the boy begging him to not put the sex tape out there. But he was like eff it money is money...

andddd how her friends knew he was getting that close because he knew she was going to be famous one day and apparently wanted something of a leverage base.

what a bitch.

well she has the same procrastinations most of us have.. friends, what they think about me and money. Not much concern in the money department but friends and what they think about me are definetly highlighted to a microscopic level..


But newho Im out and about, taking out my micros but now about to hit the road and pick up mom from work, tomorrow i believe will be glorious. =) Only if I add this downtown thing with my riders lmbooooo

ohh lord so my plan is to be very grateful and appreciative of what I have.. and smile. Why the heck not???

choices pt 1

doesnt this say everything?
.. yupp more to come!!

World Premiere Anyone?

This is me Nicole with her first publishing. Yes, I am arriving.
But not without the push and struggle of others who love and care for me.
I must thank every single one of my fans... (tear*)
"lol"
okie okie its not that serious but yay me anyways...






One other notes.
Im not an open book but my chapters are there, you may take my words and twist them into any shape you want but words are rape victims and they take their lives for granted, I believe this is where slang comes in. My pages are filled with stanzas not paragrapghs, I take the side of my work because it cannot stare knifes at me nor cut me with cold mean texts.
I stand with my feet together because apart they fall. Locked straight they cramp but bent they are more flexible.
Hey Im Nik_gold
nice to meet you.



Final point. I think I have that ability/curse w.e where you taste things you touch, smell things you hear vice versa... the taste I just heard..... blahhhhh
like seriously. Im going to google it.


live_gold

First Block Episode

I can honestly say this month has been.. well rather different. Actually having to be in it to experience how it is. Eleven points for eleven days of random fasting (meaning just forget the internet but Im eating what I shouldnt!!)
1. Not voted best dressed. ( But clearly am, smh at Stephenson and the lames that attend it. Im so on my college grind now!!)
2. Big Sister had some drama and is now relocated to ATL =)( She has always been the peace maker between my mom and I, she makes sense!)
3. Mom wants to be the dirty, old, raggidy, weird black vine spreading rumors and lies but now about her own kids. (Wow what great parenting skills you have my dear)
4. I only have friends and best friends, nothin more, (once again thanks mom)
5. Havent made any progress what so ever between all the drama, mom and trying to stay sane.
6. Couldnt even DANCE it off dance practice was canceled so I might just have some more stuff to do when I get home.. Like danceee! in the shower, closest outsideee =)
7. Realized I was very busy at one point with one person and I can do a WHOLE lot in the meantime.
8. I have rather senstive feelings though I wrap them in a razor blanket so everyone else can feel my wrath. (hehehe)
9. Im very well rounded and not falling off the edge, nor near it for that matter.
10. I havent begun to miss myspace or facebook like that but we can forget the fast food and junk food when your mom doesnt cook nor bring food home regularly.
11. You can only look out for your best interest, though people care and love you they might not know all you want and the path you would rather choose.

On other notes. Lily Allen miscarried. I dont know how I feel about it. I believe its horrible, but its also life and might help her writeeeeee and make better music =)


This week has been absolutely.... scenic.
Even the cloudy days were memorable.
I really have to pray about a lot also.
School My Future My Mom and Sister.
Where this path is leading me how I think of myself and where God plans to take me...

We shall see.
Updates soon...
Live _gold

Fast March Madness

The month of my 17th birthday has been a real roller coaster in the first couple of hours.

Turning 17 I will be drama free and relaxed but why wait I'm in a transition now for what i have yet to figure out but it involves being 100% honest with everyone no matter how raw.
Maybe rawness for mother deareast but everyone else can get.

Mommy asked, well its not her first time asking but she asked today for the 9589 billionth time why in every relationship I get in the person confesses his love for me. Not true in the summer case but in general its usually positive news on my side. She convinced herself I was my father's child and people are just naturally attracted to me and a part of me may believe it but I looked around for a more solid answer...
Then I stumbled across this...




"Marriage Magnet Reveals Her Basically Unhelpful Secret
Dating & LoveOdd NewsFeb 20th 2009
By Emerald Catron

Hey lonely hearts, looking for love in all the wrong places? One woman has been proposed to NINE freaking times, and she's finally figured out what the secret is.

British author Adele Parks, now 40, had already been proposed to seven times by the time she was 23, starting with a 17-year-old boyfriend at a roadside cafe. Her trick was easy enough -- she just wasn't herself.

It turns out that by acting however the guy you're with wants you to, and presenting yourself as something you're not, is a great way to get proposals!

Winning Over Mr. Wrong
Of course, like Adele, you probably wouldn't want to accept those misguided marriage offers, so maybe they shouldn't really count.

Writes Parks, "My fault was that I gave each boyfriend the part of me I knew they'd find palatable, but never the whole package. I should have had the confidence to present myself wholly, truthfully, faults and all. Instead, I was living like a trainee Stepford Wife.""




No I have never been proposed too not even once. But part of this ladies statement is true for me. EITHER I have a very adaptive personality which can be very true because Im also 100% comfortable with who I am in relationships. Well 90% in these last few.

OR

Im just like her, I self conciously pick a part of me that they are prone to and mold myself around it for the next several months.

This could be the answer to why I always change every couple of months (apperance small stuff) Or it could be that Im still just changing and growing. Like my eco teacher Mr. Jeffrey says there are no black and white areas just grey ones.




IMPORTANT
Im also fasting.
This includes
myspace
facebook
candy
soda junk
and anything else I feel is unworthy.

It funny because I used to look at people who fasted and was like wah?? I guess i JUST NEVER took it as serious as I should have. Focusing on the wrong things. Like my sister said this morning which really calmed me down, take 10 secinds regroup and refocus.
Im reading a random scripture from my bible every morning and writing in my new flower book and doing these online blogs on how Im doing.
I think my mom would be proud of my ambitions but I plan to show here through actions instead of talk.



Movingonnnnnn.

range 2006

OR
range 2003


I know there is a crazy difference in price as in year but Georgia is known for selling cars to any Dick, Sue, Mary or Harry.
My plan is to get a good job (one I can continue through college)
and small loan along with the money daddy should have paid me all these years and maybe even a little of my bond money. I dont want to be in too much debt but I already will because of college.


COLLEGE....

well this is a totally different story. Every weekend and spare time i have goes to college applications, scholarships, fafsa SOMETHING to do with my future and Im not mad at it my future looks bright but can they make applications a little easier. Like colleges on the same level once you send one application out to one it goes to the rest?? And scholarships that are a given with the school or associate themselves with the school email you. There is so much to do!! Im not even finished at least one out of two schools still NEED something from me. Im really just wanting a acceptance letter and a pedi-mani for my bday. I believe I deserve it.

I have no idea birthdays have really never been a real big thing for me but every bday I get my hopes up that something BIG and wonderful will happen ... and well. It hasnt. Though Henry's jesters were nice they dont count when I have no affection back.
The couple I love the most at Stephenson my bomb high school has to be beast Cassandra and Rob. Sandra and I had class together and she asked me almost everyday where my clothes came from. Yes, that can really make you love someone why not? When they think like you? Anywho their affection is sweet, civil and modest yet its clear they are special to each other, already with kodaks and just seem to click easily.
Yes this is Nicole rambling having no idea yet again where she is going with this...
=X

I shall be a little prayer warrior these next few days, but I can't do it alone. Pray for me.
Too finish it off here are some pics of the fake Georgia snow storm we experienced today...






delicious curry and rush hour movie! yum!


live_gold

Your bliss in this year will not be self consciously dismissed*

Lets start a new =) (my terrified face her funny one)

My longest blog title so far. But i mean it.
This year we cannot dismiss our hopes and dreams to achieve common and under the limit goals.
Undermining our boundaries, capabilities and aimless titles of reconstruction.
We can do it all we say to ourselfs the first fresh and innocent days of the new year.
The first couple of months in our positively dandy resumes and attitudes fly out the dusty and used window along with our resoulutions of helplessly losing those few added pounds and/or moving up on the social/ career path.

Its been a year since ive been a common blogger. Blogging about things that come to mind and trigger a response throughout my mundane day.
What ive learned is that the response to words such as these are not just a product of the person saying them but what the words actually mean to those read and comprehend the written notions of them.
A universal soundtrack of love, hate and or understanding.
Some words are even the direct contact of us being vessels for the highest one above.
His love our written syllables so when we breathe we dismiss ashes of death.
the unassumed responsibility of the mind to cope with indifferences in the world and the constant search of comparisons between decent human beings.

I love the constant motion of the life the ups AND downs. The downs just because without them we wouldnt know the true meaning of a high.
I know its disgustingly random but My mind wonders to the themes of my expressions when thinkng about why I write them.

On to a familiar topic on New Years. WHy make resolutions when you end up breaking them two to three weeks in? How about striving not to break the resolutions you would of have if you actually made them. Or just striving to be all you can be like the army without being in the army.
Which reminds me I would have loved to be at the inauguration but because of a improvident mother and a tendency to let things slide to the "back-burner" I will be home and or in school occuring my time. Life lessons...

We shall see how this first week of my graduation, evolving, maturing, loving, caring, providing, progressing year goes.


live GOLD

Modern substitutes

I promise my titles will never mean anything but random glowy words that float into my head.

anywho

HOW ARE YOU??

Its been a while!!
and i've been sick (sad face here)

But since sick i've seen the world from a different point of view life is short as stated in previous blogs ( R.I.P Trevayne).

SOOooo Ive been more of myself.
Chipper outgoing caring funny goofy loving self.
People love it .. i don't see any objections
Even my teachers love it when i participate (they know its that or my heads down)
lol
What also has helped is my self esteem
I know nothing good would come of this shopping online but more clothes....
Well I have too much
omg I SAID IT
I haven't worn like 10 items but why rush it right?
Its not bad... I still dont have a pair of sneakes!
But also with the new clothes and glowing charisma (smh) i've gotten compliments boys and girls yippie!


Away from materialistic things!!

I handle tasks so much easier
go to sleep earlier so i function throughout the day.. less complaining when i go to dance and f.b.l.a meetings,

Or maybe its because Ive gotten to a point where its , if im not happy with who i am now and start making moves to catapult my career... when is the chance?


So here I am. Being all responsible.
Reading my bible
Responding to most of my messages (;-P)
Chilling with the partying etc,
My mind has to be right
Plus I was watching this guru program that triggered a verse i read in the bible
Ill come back for it!



kk well thats it.
lol Ive limited myself to a half hour
Oh snap!!
i gotta start writing my demonic complicated syrup dipped poems again (scholarships here!!!)


Goodnight/God Bless/ Live life!!!

nik_gold.